yojimbot (yojimbot) wrote,

The Most Eventful Things From The Last Two Weeks (As Sad As That Is).

I had a real crisis last week.. Sooo, here we go! Okay, a few nights ago, we had Chinese food for dinner, right? Right. When I eat Chinese food, all the MSG makes me swell. When I swell, my ring doesn't fit. And when my ring doesn't fit, I have to move it to my pinky. While significant, try as I may, I could not make any of that sound interesting. Let's just move on..

The next morning, I take Vaughn to the daycare and grab him and all his crap outta the car. His diapers were on the floor, so when I picked them up, they had a little dirt on them. So, as I stand there holding a child, blanket, a change of clothes, other blanket, and a handful of diapers in various locations throughout my hands and arms, I start giving the stack of diapers a couple of backhands with my free (left) hand to dust it off. It went a little like this.


And that, my friends, is the sound of a wedding band bouncing off the pavement and rolling away to oblivion. Or at least a big ass bush FROM WHENCE THERE IS NO RETURN! I frantically drop everything and dive down into the rocky landscape to find my ring. I think I can see a glimmer of it deep within a thorny bush. As I'm digging my fingers into the abyss of earth beneath the bush, thoughts of scorpions and other venomous denizens of the desert are racing through my head. So I'm stretching and digging and reaching and then the headline flashes before my eyes: "CHILD DIES IN PARKING LOT AFTER FATHER FORGETS HE'S THERE". Thankfully, when I finally whip my head around to see where he is, he's just standing right next to me. Standing and staring, wondering what the hell I'm doing. For a second, I think about taking him into the daycare and then coming back out to continue my search, but fuck that! I convince myself that there's a homeless guy watching me just waiting for that scenario to unfold. The next few moments consist of me with my outstretched arm buried shoulder-deep in a thorny bush, fumbling vainly with what may or may not be my ring and then quickly abandoning my latest effort to look back and make sure my kid's still with me. Rinse, repeat. Vaughn eventually crouches down next to me to help me by picking up rocks and throwing them. But this was good cause doing so caused him to enter my line of sight and I was able to focus long enough to finally retrieve my wedding band.

I let out a sigh of relief as I slid my ring back onto my finger. Then, while I sat there for a few seconds to collect myself, Vaughn came over to console me by giving me a bug. The end.

Okay, one more Vaughn story! And after this, that's it! I promise. Until next month, at least..

A couple of weeks ago, my mom was in town to look after her only grandchild. During that time, she began to floss his teeth because I'm a filthy degenerate who doesn't do that kind of thing for his son. Meanwhile, none of his teeth even touch and there's nothing to clean, but whatever! So, she's using those floss-on-a-stick things on him. You know the ones. Eventually, he liked to take it and floss his own teeth. Not well, mind you, but he liked to pretend. On one day in particular, he was flossing his teeth and wanted to hand his used floss to me. I asked him to throw it away and he did. On his way back from the rubbish can (that's what it's called in Hawaii, okay?! Piss off!), he pulled a book off the bookshelf and gave it to me.

So I sat there and read him his dinosaur pop-up book. This isn't like when I was a kid and the "pop-up" consisted of a tab on the side of the page that that made some random 2-D object wiggle. These new things have multiple things dancing around the page and they’re really popping out at you in three dimensions. You gotta be a god damn architect to make one of these things these days. On the first page, there's a pterodactyl. As you open and close the book, the thing actually leaps toward your face while his wings flap away. On the next, a T-Rex with his opened mouth popping out of the page at you! Roowrr! Next is a stegosaurus whose tail swings around as you open the page while other things pop out from behind bushes. And then a triceratops.. I dunno what the triceratops does. But it's all crazy! ANYWAYS! Vaughn leaps up and almost pushes me over trying to get back to the garbage. He rummages through it for a moment and returns proudly with his floss. Then he sits back in my lap and forcibly removes my hands from the book so he can turn the pages himself. Instead of going forward, though, he goes back! Finally, he gets all the way back to the T-Rex and THEEEEEN..!!

Well, if you don't know how this story ends, I don't know what to tell you.

Hope everyone's well.

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