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Friday, August 17th, 2007
11:13 pm - The First Day of the Rest of My Life.
ATTENTION: This post contains graphic descriptions of such topics including, but not limited to, the vagina, childbirth, foreskin, and feces. Also, within this post you may find soft, mushy, emotional bullshit heretofore unseen from the author. Reader discretion is advised and encouraged. Consider yourself warned.

Enter if you daaaaaare!Collapse )

Off to do that whole parenting thing. Wish me luck. Happy Birthday, Vaughn!

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Tuesday, July 31st, 2007
3:04 pm - The Most Eventful Things From The Last Two Weeks (As Sad As That Is).
I had a real crisis last week.. Sooo, here we go! Okay, a few nights ago, we had Chinese food for dinner, right? Right. When I eat Chinese food, all the MSG makes me swell. When I swell, my ring doesn't fit. And when my ring doesn't fit, I have to move it to my pinky. While significant, try as I may, I could not make any of that sound interesting. Let's just move on..

The next morning, I take Vaughn to the daycare and grab him and all his crap outta the car. His diapers were on the floor, so when I picked them up, they had a little dirt on them. So, as I stand there holding a child, blanket, a change of clothes, other blanket, and a handful of diapers in various locations throughout my hands and arms, I start giving the stack of diapers a couple of backhands with my free (left) hand to dust it off. It went a little like this.


And that, my friends, is the sound of a wedding band bouncing off the pavement and rolling away to oblivion. Or at least a big ass bush FROM WHENCE THERE IS NO RETURN! I frantically drop everything and dive down into the rocky landscape to find my ring. I think I can see a glimmer of it deep within a thorny bush. As I'm digging my fingers into the abyss of earth beneath the bush, thoughts of scorpions and other venomous denizens of the desert are racing through my head. So I'm stretching and digging and reaching and then the headline flashes before my eyes: "CHILD DIES IN PARKING LOT AFTER FATHER FORGETS HE'S THERE". Thankfully, when I finally whip my head around to see where he is, he's just standing right next to me. Standing and staring, wondering what the hell I'm doing. For a second, I think about taking him into the daycare and then coming back out to continue my search, but fuck that! I convince myself that there's a homeless guy watching me just waiting for that scenario to unfold. The next few moments consist of me with my outstretched arm buried shoulder-deep in a thorny bush, fumbling vainly with what may or may not be my ring and then quickly abandoning my latest effort to look back and make sure my kid's still with me. Rinse, repeat. Vaughn eventually crouches down next to me to help me by picking up rocks and throwing them. But this was good cause doing so caused him to enter my line of sight and I was able to focus long enough to finally retrieve my wedding band.

I let out a sigh of relief as I slid my ring back onto my finger. Then, while I sat there for a few seconds to collect myself, Vaughn came over to console me by giving me a bug. The end.

Okay, one more Vaughn story! And after this, that's it! I promise. Until next month, at least..

A couple of weeks ago, my mom was in town to look after her only grandchild. During that time, she began to floss his teeth because I'm a filthy degenerate who doesn't do that kind of thing for his son. Meanwhile, none of his teeth even touch and there's nothing to clean, but whatever! So, she's using those floss-on-a-stick things on him. You know the ones. Eventually, he liked to take it and floss his own teeth. Not well, mind you, but he liked to pretend. On one day in particular, he was flossing his teeth and wanted to hand his used floss to me. I asked him to throw it away and he did. On his way back from the rubbish can (that's what it's called in Hawaii, okay?! Piss off!), he pulled a book off the bookshelf and gave it to me.

So I sat there and read him his dinosaur pop-up book. This isn't like when I was a kid and the "pop-up" consisted of a tab on the side of the page that that made some random 2-D object wiggle. These new things have multiple things dancing around the page and they’re really popping out at you in three dimensions. You gotta be a god damn architect to make one of these things these days. On the first page, there's a pterodactyl. As you open and close the book, the thing actually leaps toward your face while his wings flap away. On the next, a T-Rex with his opened mouth popping out of the page at you! Roowrr! Next is a stegosaurus whose tail swings around as you open the page while other things pop out from behind bushes. And then a triceratops.. I dunno what the triceratops does. But it's all crazy! ANYWAYS! Vaughn leaps up and almost pushes me over trying to get back to the garbage. He rummages through it for a moment and returns proudly with his floss. Then he sits back in my lap and forcibly removes my hands from the book so he can turn the pages himself. Instead of going forward, though, he goes back! Finally, he gets all the way back to the T-Rex and THEEEEEN..!!

Well, if you don't know how this story ends, I don't know what to tell you.

Hope everyone's well.


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Monday, January 29th, 2007
2:21 pm - Maladies, Movies, and Mmmthat's it.
In what is apparently becoming an annual event, Vaughn took another week-long vacation in the hospital. Sometimes, I think about fuckheads who don't take care of their kids and become very bitter at the prospect of those kids not having the health issues that my kid's had. I mean, I think I'm doing a good job. We feed him and wash him and all those sorts of things. We try not to let him near all the poisons and bottles marked XXX in the house. But, I dunno.. Little fucker always manages to come down with something. We actually had him out of the daycare for over a month and he didn't have so much as a sniffle. And in that time, both me and the wife got sick and Vaughn didn't! Then we took him back to that haven for festering diseases and illnesses and in three days, he got pneumonia. Go figure. Every single kid in that place has a constant river of snot going from their nose to their mouth and I don't see those little bastards getting carted off to the hospital for a week at a time. I don't hear about those little shits not getting enough oxygen to their system. If this were in someone else's journal, there's no way I'd still be reading this. But GRRAARGHH!! I just needed to vent.

But maybe this is a good illustration of the poor quality of our parenting. In the midst of our kid not really being able to breathe too well, between the two of us, we managed to call the doctor, pack up the kid, pack up some overnight gear, aaaaaand.. Set the VCR cause we were pretty much gonna miss Heroes at this point. Still! After settling in to our hospital room at about 2am, I was able to drive home, pick up the tape, bring it back, AND WATCH IT! Eat it TiVO! OR DVR OR WHATEVER ALL OF YOU EAT IT! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know about Slingbox. Shut it. Anyways, how does Claire have a secret meeting with the Haitian? Do they just hang out once in a while now? What do they talk about? "Boy, my dad's a real asshole." "Tell me abowt eet." This wasn't adequately explained!

Dana's commentary: "Mebbe you could write up a review [of the episode]. And then chisel it into A STONE TABLET!" Ouch.

So, while we were holed up, we decided we'd catch up on some movies. I had a gift certificate to Best Buy, so I went wild and got the following movies: Cars, Saw III, The Descent, Mean Girls, Invincible, and the animated Iron Man movie. Tam also wanted to watch Employee of the Month, but knew I wouldn't go for paying for a movie like that. (Don't get me wrong, I like Dane Cook even though the rest of the world seems to have turned on him. But you pretty much know what you're getting with a movie like that and it doesn't include a solid second viewing. Furthermore, I generally don't purchase many comedies. With few exceptions, they don't just don't age well and aren't really worth having around.) Fortunately, Tam happens to know someone who buys terrible movies that keep people like Hilary Duff and Nick Cannon employed. (I realize I wrote these last few lines after admitting that I now own a copy of Mean Girls. Four points to consider: 1.)The movie's actually pretty decent. It's not Galaxy Quest or anything, but it'll get you a few chuckles. 2.) The movie was written by Tina Fey who is not only funny, but she's hot, too. 3.) It stars several SNL alum from the last golden age including Tim Meadows, who is particularly good. 4.) It was my compromise for getting Saw III and The Descent.) Anyways, what follows is a real conversation I overheard between the wife aaand.. oh, let's call her.. Nisterinlaw.

Tam: "Do you have Employee of the Month?"
Nisterinlaw (incredulously): "Psh. No, I don't have crappy movies!"
Tam: "Uh.. Do you have She's the Man?"
Nisterinlaw: "Yeah."

So, because I can't bring myself to finish the last 10% of this little project I'm working on, I give you six mini-reviews in a segment I like to call: Things I Watched Because I'm a Bad Father.

Cars: I immediately wrote this movie off when I read that Larry the Cable Guy was in it. But a commercial for something Cars related came on TV one day and my kid was instantly mesmerized. So, we got the movie, and of course, he didn't watch more than two minutes of it. The movie itself seemed very predictable. More so than any other Pixar movie, I think. It's been a pretty long time since I've seen A Bug's Life or Toy Story 2, but I'm gonna go ahead and call this one the worst of the bunch. But that's kinda like saying Miss October was the ugliest playmate last year. B.

The Descent: I actually haven't even opened this movie, but my mom brought it with her on one of her visits. If you saw The Cave, this was pretty much a better version of that movie with hot chicks instead of Cole Hauser and Morris Chestnut. And for what it's worth, I probably liked the original ending better than the American ending. B-.

Invincible: Like The Descent was to The Cave, this movie is a better version of Rudy. Except it's a much, much, much, much better version. The lead is humble and reserved. And he doesn't have an unnatural and unhealthy obsession with Notre Dame football. And he doesn't cry as much. And you don't turn on him in the middle of the movie and start openly rooting for bad things to happen to him because he's so god damn annoying. Also, there's a scene where Marky Mark is looking at himself in the mirror. And as you're looking at him, rocking his little 70s hair and his 70s gear, you start to feel like you've been here and you know what's gonna happen. But then he doesn't whip out his monstrous cock. And I gotta tell you, it's a little disappointing. A-.

The Invincible Iron Man: Okay, here's my problem with Iron Man and specifically The Mandarin, not just in the movie but just in the general lore of the characters. At its core, Iron Man is a story about man and technology. Sure, you got the shit with his alcoholism and the frailty of human flaws even when protected by a great, big suit of armor, blah, blah, blah. But in the end, it's about a dude who invents cool shit to beat on other people with. And then they shit all over it with some Chinese prophecies and strange mysticism. I mean, what? Sure, most of Iron Man's technology is way out there and totally unbelievable, but you can kinda take that leap when you're watching a movie or reading a comic about a dude who invented a suit of armor. But then he fights a big Chinese dragon. What? The first Ultimate Avengers was pretty good (if you pretend you never read the Ultimates before), but it's been a pretty steady decline since then. C-.

Employee of the Month: Pretty much what you'd expect. There are a couple of funny parts, a lot of dumb stuff. Sure, some of the dumb stuff was intentionally dumb, but the movie took itself a little too seriously sometimes. Which is kinda weird when you think about how absurd other parts of the movie are. Why do they try to throw a moral into movies like this? I don’t even mind the love interest so much. Just make it a dumb, fun movie and go with it. No one has to become a better person because of it! But Andy Dick was pretty funny. C-.

Snakes on a Plane: Okay, so the plot of the movie starts out in Hawaii. Somewhere along the way, a flight leaves from Hawaii to Los Angeles. Since I read somewhere that there are snakes on this plane, I immediately call shenannigans. There are no snakes in Hawaii. None. Every once in a while, some crazy ass Brown Tree Snake (I may be getting this name mixed up with the Bark Tree Spider) makes its way to the islands via some boat from Guam. All the news circuits go crazy and start talking about the impending death of Hawaii's eco-system. You know how in movies you have some plague crisis or invasion or something that spreads throughout the movie? And they show some graphic of the continent or globe being assimilated by whatever.. "This is what will happen in one hour. This is one day. This is one week." And in the graphic for the week, all is lost. It's EXACTLY like that. But in the movie, they actually adequately explained the origins for the snakes, so that shut me up for a bit. The effects in this movie were laughable, but in a weird way, it sort of added to what it is. As if they were like.. "Look, this is a crappy movie.. Let's really go for it." Plus, there was nudity. Always raises the ground floor to at least a D-. Sooo, let's go with D.

I'm still not prepared to discuss Peyton Manning in the Superbowl. Hats off to him and all, but.. Eh.. It's no good. I just can't. Not yet. I feel like Maverick after Goose died.


current mood: lazy

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Monday, December 25th, 2006
9:53 am - Merry Effin Christmas.
Once again, I've waited until the absolute last minute to post, so I have nothing to say but this.


And a Happy New Year, too.

Be safe,


current mood: tired

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Friday, November 10th, 2006
11:30 am - I see your loud crash and raise you two bodies
I don't know how you people do it. It's a constant struggle for me to start writing one of these. Over the course of several months, I'll even jot down a word or two of a topic I intend cover and create a poor man's outline. But when the time comes to write about it, it's happened so long ago that it just feels irrelevant. I don't feel like talking about it anymore and it gets crossed off the list. Here's my current list (it probably goes back only a month): sacrifice, almost dying, Heroes, chain letters, Marisa's job, half family, and shootings. Maybe I should just leave it at that and you can extrapolate an entry based on those topics. It'd probably be a whole lot more interesting for you that way. But, since Kel's two up on me, I guess I'll put some effort into this.

Sacrifice. There was a commercial for the Amazing Race a few weeks ago wherein the announcer proclaims that one of the members (or teams, I don't remember) makes the "ultimate sacrifice". Which I thought was pretty funny since I doubt anyone sacrificed THEIR LIFE for the game. But, hey.. I don't watch that show.. Maybe it's that intense. I dunno.

Almost Dying. Early last month, the family came up for a visit. My mom, my sister, my sister's boyfriend (who's actually my friend, but this is a whole different post), and Kento all came up and hung out for a week. A summary: eat, sleep, shop, drink, procure PC from work, play WoW, PC blows up, bring PC back to work. It was a blast. But anyway, back to the dying.

We're all (sans the spouse) piled into the Usagimobile on our way home from shopping. And there I am, calmly waiting at a three-way red light less than a mile from my home. I am on the stem of the T-intersection, so my green light is the only green light. When the light finally turned, I was spacing out a little and got maybe a second or two late start. There was also a dude walking across the street, so I ended up having to wait for him anyway (as I am turning left through his path). As I start to go, Kalani starts going apeshit from the back of the vehicle. No actual words came out, just a series of high-pitched "whoas" and "ohs." Something just clicked in the back of my head that said, "Holy shit, he means it!" The Usagi-sense was definitely tingling, if I may. Slam go the breaks, screech go the tires, vroom goes the stupid cunt inches from the front of my car. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I had the presence of a savvy veteran to lay on the horn as she passed. And if you can believe it, she waved as she passed as if to apologize. OH AND BITCH WAS OTP! That's on the phone, for you uninformed.

My mind immediately begins to race. What if Kalani didn't look? What if he didn't yell in time? What if I didn't think anything of his yelling? What if I didn't decide to stop in time? What if the brakes weren't good enough to stop me in time? How did the dude behind me not slam into me? How do you run a red light 10 seconds after it changed? How could that bitch just keep going without a care in the fucking world? If I got hit, would everyone be okay? Would I be in trouble if the cops arrived as I was choking the shit outta this chick? Do juries ever convict people who kill people who kill their family. If it was a rear colission, would Steph and Kalani have died at the speed the chick was coming? If I didn't get turned enough, would my mom have died? Maybe Kent, too? The safest people were Vaughn and I, but if the car just got tore up, who knows? AND HOW IS THAT LADY STILL DRIVING AWAY FROM ME?! It was probably for the best, cause no one in the car had anything nice to say if she showed concern. Which she didn't.

Lost in all of this was my mom pleading for me to catch the idiot up so she could throw things at her from her purse. Heh. Too bad I couldn't laugh about that until about 15 minutes later.

Heroes. Without getting too much into it, this is an absolutely excellent show. Every respectable comic book geek must watch it. I'm even giving up MNF for this thing. Guess they didn't think those demographics crossed too much.

Marisa's Job. Congratulations, Marisa! A popular saying around my workplace is this: "If you were supposed to love your job, they wouldn't pay you to do it." Glad to see someone breaking the mold. Keep climbing that latter. And send me free stuff. :D

Half Family. I've been meaning to ask opinions about this for a loooong time. Not that it would change my mind, but so far, my opinion seems to be in a pretty small minority. As many of you know, my mother had a useless sperm donator. Well, he went and started a new family some time ago. Recently, his daughter mustered up the courage to contact my mother in an effort to get to know my sister and I. And, not so obviously I guess, our reply was, "Uh, no." She's not my family. That's just some stranger in Florida. I have nothing in common with her. "Soooo. He's your dad, too, huh?" "Yuuup." What do you say to a 16 year old girl? Besides, "If anyone asks, you told me you were 18." Plus, I can't have her showing up at my door one day with a bunch of bags going, "Guess what! I hate our dad, too!" I already inherited a younger sister who I wanna strangle from time to time. This one's even younger AND is the spawn of someone I hate. There are three people in my camp: Me, my sister, and the missus. No one else sees it my way. I can't decide if I'm letting other issues cloud my judgment or if everyone else isn't taking relevant information into account. Thoughts?

Shootings. I wasn't really gonna talk about this, but Bob's post kinda made it applicable. And I don't have a lot to add other than what's in the subject line of this post. But to summarize, some disgruntled security guard at a business a few buildings down went crazy and shot up some former coworkers. A few more buildings down in that direction is where Tam works. So it was actually kinda tense for a while! We were all locked in our offices while the dude was on the lam. And of course we couldn't POSSIBLY work during that time, so we all kinda just stood around and made jokes. Which is kinda shitty considering a couple of people were shot (one guy five times!). But still.. I can't help myself. There's no "off" on the funny switch.

That'll do.


current mood: lazy

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Monday, June 19th, 2006
2:30 pm - You shouldn't have!
So, I had me my first Father's Day ever this past weekend. I may have had a couple in the late 70s, but hell if I remember. And if I did, it's a shame that man got any credit at all for being a father. What's that? Why, do I sound bitter? Anyways, aside from letting me spend quality time with the TV and Playstation all weekend and cooking me my favorite meal (enough of it to last me through a harsh winter), ol' Mrs. Usagi took me to a masseuse on Saturday. Also, I learned that "deep-tissue massage" means "let me kick the shit outta you for about an hour". And now, I'd like to relive it. Join me, won't you?

Okay, first, my masseuse is semi-hot. Being the responsible and woman-fearing man that I am, I quickly ask if it would be okay if my wife came along. They were hesitant to allow Vaughn in the back in case he started crying. I guess that would ruin the mood for everyone. Tam opted to just leave with the kid and come back when I'm done. I'm immediately terrified. They herd me into a dark little closet lit only by a candle and the soothing sounds of classical music. When I get to the room, it's apparent that there's no room for a third person. The only place for a visitor would have been the little lounge area right outside the room. And that room actually connects to every other room, so I could see their point with a crying baby.

So, the woman asks me to undress to my level of comfort and to get under the blankets on the table. Little did she know, I was already there. She warns me that leaving my underwear on would impede her ability to work on my glutes. And since I can read between the lines, I know that she wants to molest my lucious ass. As the discussion goes on, I start getting the impression that her "level of comfort" for me starts at my skivs and ends with my nekkidness. I probably sounded like the biggest asshole ever, but I go, "Is it okay if I leave my shorts on?" And she laughed! Not like "BWAHAHA!", but still! I'm absolutely not in my element here. I haven't been able to remove even my shirt with any kinda confidence for a solid 60 lbs now. Compounded with the fact that she's sorta hot, has threatened to touch my ass, and basically laughed in my face, I'm ready to introduce my butthole to some coal and make some diamonds. Good thing I'm about to get a massage (which we agreed would only include my upper body). The rest of the conversation included such tidbits as, "It'll hurt so good," and, "I won't hurt you unless you want me to." What the fuck kinda place is this?! I'm positive now that for an extra $50, I could get a handjob or something. The whole thing felt like a botched date with a slutty girl in college who's obligated to show you a good time. "Look, since you bought dinner, I'll give you a blowjob. But you're not touching my tits. And don't ever call me again." So, anyways, after the awkward (yet polite) exchange had ended, she left and I made myself comfortable (as could be) on the little massage table thing.

Time stood still in this room. I have no idea exactly how long it was, but the first five or ten minutes were good. It was just kind of a light massage to get a feel for my back, I guess. And despite the fact that we agreed that only an upper body massage would be in my future, she makes frequent trips to my ass. But I ain't complaining cause it feels pretty good. After a little bit, though, she just starts laying into me. BUT! It still wasn't bad. There were parts that hurt, but for the most part, dare I say, it hurt so good. Eventually, she found what she described as problem areas and just kinda stuck to those places. Then I think she got a call from her boyfriend saying he was leaving her for her best friend. I can see her feet through my little face-hole bracing against the point on the wall where it meets the floor. And she's killing me. Various portions of her elbows, arms, and knuckles begin just digging into what feels a LOT like bone. And I just sucked it up and took it in the hopes that the pain would only last for another couple of seconds. But then she'd move to a spot that hurt even more just to fuck with me. I'm being a little verbose and I think the message may be getting lost in my mess of words. IT FUCKING HURTS. But then it abruptly stops. And she walks down near my feet. I can't see what's happening, but it sounds like she's, I dunno, adjusting the table or something. I can kinda hear it creaking under pressure and moving around a little.

Then something weird happened.

She begins to apply a lot of pressure to my ass. And that might actually sound worse than what really happened. But as you can imagine, my mind is everywhere at this point. If she tore off my shorts, yanked on my scrotum and bit it, I wouldn't have been taken off-guard at all. Then it got weirder. I feel her hands start to massage my back. While the pressure is still on my ass! I quickly conclude that she has two enormous penises with each resting on a cheek. My assrape is inevitable. Then the pieces kinda started to fall into place. This woman had fucking CLIMBED ON TOP OF ME! She's on me! Those are her knees digging into my ass! I asked Tam to call her masseuse friend in Hawaii to ask if this was acceptable conduct. This, surprisingly, was not uncomfortable physically, though. It felt good. In fact, it's kinda hot! I half-expected her to straddle me next and just start beating away at my back. But she just calmly dismounted and asked me to flip over.

"Uh. What?" "Lay on your back now." "Uh.. Are you.. Ah.. Is it.. Um.. Okay." Why? What are you gonna do to me, you crazy bitch?! This can't be good. And it wasn't. An immediate problem presented themselves as soon as she went back to work. Her ample boobs were just.. right there in my face. Not like, way over there where I could kinda see 'em. They were RIGHT THERE. It was like this one time this girl I know bleached my hair. But that's a different post. And for some reason she's all gentle now and just kinda runs her hands over me. Now I'm just praying - PRAYING - that I don't get an erection. So I close my eyes and pretend that her boobs aren't an inch and a half from my face while she's gently caressing my body. And I'm extra happy that I kept my shorts on. Heh. Fortunately for me, I don't get off on pain. And she ended any chance of embarrassment with her next move. With one foot braced against the wall again, she begins to drive her forearm into where my pecs would be if I had any. And my mouth went, "..." and my head went "YYEEEEEEEEEAARGHHHH!!!" It hurts. And she won't stop. She casually goes, "Wow, this is really bad," as I'm certain tears were welling up in my eyes. The next time she opened her mouth, I was sure that a maniacal cackling would escape. When she stopped, I almost got up and hugged her for it. Then she did the other side. I didn't think there was a chance on Earth that this was gonna end without me punching her in the head. You've heard of blinding pain, right? Well this was blinding and deafening. I closed my eyes and quietly apologized to no one in particular for every shitty thing I've ever done in my life. It was very Zen. Then it was over. There was a 20% chance that I died right there on the table. Alas, she had mercifully stopped. She said something to me, but I couldn't hear a thing as the pain was still subsiding. So, I asked her to repeat it.

"Time's up! Take your time to get dressed, and I'll see you out front."

Arr. Those be my 14 favorite words. As bad as I made it sound, I'd probably go back. In the end, my back feels pretty good (minus the feeling of having a bruise over my entire upper body.) And truth be told, it wasn't even the weirdest / most uncomfortable massage I've ever had. That honor goes to an old roommate of mine. We had just come back from playing basketball (which I hadn't done for a solid couple of years) and I was in considerable pain. This was before Tam and I were dating, so she offered to massage my back in an attempt to get in my pants. After a few minutes, my roommate tells Tam to get outta the way because she wasn't doing it right. He proceeds to viciously massage my back for a few seconds, which admittedly felt pretty good. Then, he grabs a handful of ass in each hand and just starts going to town. "HEY! What the..?! No..! Oh.. Oh, yeah. Right there." Never in my life have I gone from being so horrified in one second and whisked away to blissville the next. I know what you're thinking, but FUCK YOU! It was awesome. Say what you want, but it felt great and I'm not ashamed. I'd kill each and every one of you to recapture that feeling. Siiigh.

Anyways.. Happy Father's Day. Be well.


current mood: relaxed

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
8:28 pm - DOOOOOOM: part 2
ANYWAYS. So, we get home from the hospital. I shit out my guts for a couple of days. Then we finally - FINALLY - get a weekend to relax. The next week goes off without a hitch. Could it be?! Could we possibly have two weekends in a row to do nothing, as God intended us?! Alas, the phone rings early Saturday evening. (And I can only hear one side of the conversation.)

"yes." .. "Okay." .. "What?!" .. "WHAT?!" .. "IS SHE OKAY?!?" .. "THANK YOU! BYE!"

So, Tam's baby sister got into an accident on the freeway. On her motorcycle. But that sentence doesn't do the absurdity of it justice. Let me explain. She's riding along on the freeway, right? Okay, first of all, no one actually hits her (yet). She sees brake lights and hits the brakes. Only she ends up locking up her brake and lays the bike down. So, when her slide comes to a stop, and after a car swerves to miss her, she figures it's a good time to get the hell up and get off the freeway. I wanna pause right here to kinda assess the damage. She was wearing jeans, but one of her legs still got chewed up pretty good. She was also wearing a helmet which had GREAT battle scars on it from the road. But at least her head was in pretty good shape. For her, anyways. What she wasn't wearing was her jacket. She was wearing a tank-top. As you can imagine, all the skin on her shoulder and arm and all points in between pretty much got left on the road somewhere. Oh, Bonehead had her jacket, but it was in her backpack. And for just a few more seconds, that sounds like a really, really dumb place for it. In those few seconds she gets up and takes about two steps in her mad dash to her bike that came to rest about 30 feet in front of her.


That's when she was hit by a truck. In the back. The first report came in at 50mph. And that's just not true. Later, that estimate came down to 30mph and then 15mph. Frankly, the guy would had to have come to a complete stop mere feet after hitting her for her not to just be obliterated. I saw Robocop. I know what happens. My guess is somewhere between 5 and 10mph. 'Cause let's face it, something weighing a few thousand pounds doesn't need to be moving very fast to do damage. There's even a law of physics that supports this. I think if I ran into her at 5mph I could do some pretty good damage. Anyways, turns out, the jacket was probably more productive in her backpack than it would have been on her back. I dunno if it saved her life or anything. I think her helmet did that part. But it might have saved her ability to walk. It can't possibly have absorbed that much energy, but maybe just enough. And for those of your who are curious, I already asked. No, she didn't shit herself.

Final tally: Dislocated femur, broken clavicle, compressed lumbar (and some bone fragments), equilibrium problems, and some grade A road rash up and down her body.

She was pretty much bedridden for about three weeks. It was maybe another three weeks before she could walk unassisted. She's lucky to be alive, but Genius doesn't think being on a bike had anything to do with it. "I wasn't in a motorcycle accident! I got hit on my feet!" "Yeah, I know what you mean. Why, just the other day, I slammed on my brakes in a car I have full control over and I fell right out! I wish that would stop happening to me!" She doesn't think I'm funny.

I meant to cover a bunch of other things, but again I'm running long (and out of steam). But this pretty funny exchange happened at the clinic Tam's sister was cooped up in. Let me set it up. She was due to move out of her apartment in a couple of weeks. But now, Tam, a handful of our friends, and I end up spending a Sunday packing up all her shit and moving it to my house. This pretty much echoes the events of last year when Tam and I went to her dorm to move her out only to find she hadn't done anything except pack her suitcase for Hawaii. This year, I suppose I could cut her a little slack. Still annoying, though. So, it's like.. Monday or Tuesday or something. And we're at the health clinic with Tam's sister and her mom. Tam's mom gives Tam some money and says, "I was gonna give this to you guys to go eat somewhere nice on your anniversary, but since you didn't go out, just take this and do whatever." Tam's sister asks, "Why didn't you guys go out for your anniversary?"


And then the crying started. Hahaha. Yeah, so we spent our first anniversary packing and moving a cripples shit. That's the cardboard anniversary, right?

Also, when I started writing this, it was timed perfect. Now it's a few days late, but Happy Birthday, Kel! See? I told you you were getting older. Enjoy.

current mood: sick

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
12:13 pm - And that boy was meeeee!
Yo! So, it's been a few of months. What have I been up to? Well, I'm glad you asked!

Vaughn went on a little vacation a couple of months ago ..TO THE HOSPITAL! Okay, it's like this: One Thursday, the daycare tells us about this rash Vaughn's got on his hip. And Vaughn always has little rashes and shit so we don't really think nothing of it. But despite being poor parents, we call the doctor. He says that if the daycare is saying something about it, we should probably take him in.

So, on Friday, Vaughn gets a fever. I think to myself (as opposed to thinking to other people), "What good timing! We're going to the doctor anyways!" So, we get to the doctor and his fever's like 103. No big shakes, says the doc. Although he chastised me a little for not giving my kid anything for the fever that morning. In my defense, though, I wanted the doctor to see it. I didn't wanna be the guy who goes in there and is like, "Help! My kid has a fever!" And then they check and he doesn't. And then they go, "Here, buddy.. Talk to these nice men in the white suits. FREAK." So, the doc sends me on my merry way to get some blood work done. On Vaughn, not me.

(He also tells me that the rash could be herpes and I'm like WHAT I'LL KILL YOU YOU FUCKER MY KID AIN'T GOT NO HERPES.)

(Additionally, after a little more chit-chatting, it turns out that *I* have herpes. Me and 80% of the population! Most of whom get it before they're seven! It's not the one you think. Honest. Still, imagine me trying to explain that to Tam without her googling "divorce lawyers in phoenix".)


The blood work says his white-blood cell count is high and that means he has some kinda infection. So back to the doctor on Saturday! The doctor implores me to take Vaughn in for more work. Unfortunately, the office won't be open on Sunday, so I should just go to the ER. And I'm kinda like, "Are you sure? 'Cause, tomorrow's the Superbowl.. and.. What? It is! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! ... FINE!! I'LL GO TO YOUR STUPID HOSPITAL!!!" Also, spell check suggests "superb owl" instead of Superbowl.

When we get to the hospital, his white-blood cells are off the charts. He's fighting something, only they don't know what. They did x-rays, a flu thing that you stick up the kid's nose, a spinal tap, urine tests, whatever. And nothing. Oh, I'm sorry, did I rush through that? THEY DID A FREAKIN' SPINAL TAP! Yeesh.

They decide to start him on antibiotics cause.. I dunno, why the fuck not, I guess. At this point, I still think we'll just be in there overnight and I'll be home in time for kick-off. Heh. Don't judge me. Alas, they still don't know what's wrong with him, so I bought a bag of chips and had me a Superbowl party right there in the hospital room. I would have had a grill going if not for you fire marshals and your fucking laws.

By Monday, Vaughn's pretty much fine. He's back to his kicking and squealing ways. But the blood culture finally came back with some (I guess) bad news. I say "I guess" because what were they expecting? Of course something was wrong with him. Bad news would have been that he was dying! Not that he has a bacterial infection. The hospital staff kept repeating to Tam and I how great it was that we were taking everything so cool. It sounds like a compliment, right? But it was so patronizing at the same time. What the fuck does that mean? We don't care about our kid? Would you rather us be frantic and irrational and scream at you people any chance we get? Which we could have since all we got for three days were shoulder shrugs and probablies (which, by the way, were WRONG!). We were at the hospital, what more could we do? I figured he was in pretty good hands! Should I have not been at ease? You can be concerned without being an asshole. Argh. That was pretty fucking annoying. Anyways, the final prognosis: He has strep in his blood. Instead of the throat, y'know?

The treatment for this is antibiotics.. FOR 10 DAYS! As an aside, I asked the doctors what we could do to prevent something like this from happening again. And their response was more or less, "Oh, this never happens." What? Are you fucking kidding me? Have I not been sleeping on an inch-thick piece of foam for more than a week? Slightly less offensive was the doctor who suggested we washed our hands. My fist stopped like two inches from his face (thank you, Lewis Black). Back at the ranch, Vaughn ends up getting an IV that spent seven days in his hand and one in HIS GOD DAMN HEAD. If you're doing the math and think something's fishy, you're right. We left a day early because the IV in his head came out (like I said it would!) and he ended up just getting a shot on day nine. And we're like, "Soooooooo.. We can get this shot at the doctor's office, right?" "Yep." And we left a dust cloud in our wake. That doesn't change the fact that I lived in the fucking hospital for nine days! NINE! Just long enough to pick up some kinda stomach virus! Wheee. Other rooms scattered throughout the floor boasted big signs that read shit like RESPIRATORY ISOLATION and DRIP ISOLATION (still no idea what that means). I'd bet a finger (not the thumb, though) that I got something from one of those other disease-ridden kids. Filthy sons of bitches. So, I took a week off of work, THEN had to stay home another two days while I puked and shit my guts out.

In the end, the rash just kinda went away. And no one really knows what it was. Dun dun DUN!! o_O

The End.

But, wait! That's NOT the end! There's a reason this took me two months to post. But more on that later. Surely LJ has some sort of character limit.

current mood: exhausted

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Saturday, December 31st, 2005
12:44 am
8 - 8. Teams are mailing it in. This week's gonna be even worse with only 5 teams who have a reason to play hard. To put that into perspective, there are 5 teams who would rather lose this weekend to increase their chances of landing Reggie Bush. San Diego, N.Y. Giants, Arizona, Baltimore, Buffalo, Atlanta, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, New England, Tampa Bay, Green Bay, San Francisco, Jacksonville, Chicago, Philadelphia, and Dallas.

Pretty good Christmas this year! I finally had to make my own family to spend it with. Tam got me The Complete Calvin and Hobbes. It's awesome. Plus, if I had to, I could probably kill someone by hitting them in the head with this thing. Death by Calvin. The day after Christmas, I ended up going to Amazon and piling up things I've been putting off buying for the last couple of months. Y'know, 10 bucks here.. 12 bucks there, that's no problem. Somehow, I have a couple hundred bucks worth of shit in my shopping cart and I just can't pull the trigger, though. I need to start selling my body.

Hauoli Makahiki Hou, you frickas.


current mood: sick

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Saturday, December 24th, 2005
12:09 am
10 - 6 AGAIN. I've lost count on my season total. And I'm too lazy to look it up. Atlanta, Cincinnati, Carolina, New Orleans, Jacksonville, N.Y. Giants, Pittsburgh, San Diego, St. Louis, Miami, Philadelphia, Seattle, Denver, Chicago, Baltimore, and New England. AND DIDN'T I SAY THE COLTS WOULD LOSE?! DIDN'T I?! You think someone had a lot of money on the Colts going undefeated and had Dungy's kid killed for them losing? Just things I think about when I tuck my kid into bed! Speaking of..


Seriously, though. He is that cute, isn't he? Sometimes I think, "Eh, even parents with ugly kids think their kid's cute. I'm sure my judgment is skewed." But it's not! That's a good-lookin' kid, plain and simple! I wonder if other parents think their kid's cuter than mine. Cause if they do, they're wrong! Did you ever think you'd see this day? Usagi: all-around weirdo and obnoxiously proud father. Siiigh. I'm totally fuckin' neutered.

Anyways.. Merry Day, folks. Hope it's safe and all'a that.


current mood: lazy

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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
10:17 am - In the words of my generation: UP YOURS!
10 - 6 last week. Tampa Bay, Kansas City, Denver, Arizona, Carolina, Miami, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Seattle, Jacksonville, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Dallas, Atlanta, and Green Bay. (And already 1 - 2!)

I was watching Independence Day last night. This is one of those movies that I can pretty much watch from any point in the film at any given sitting. But, there's this one scene that really bugs the hell outta me, so I'm gonna have to bitch about it here (per rule number one of LJ). Okay, y'know that part where they're asking the make-shift team of aviators for their piloting background? And Randy Quaid tells 'em he flew in 'Nam and he's been dusting crops ever since, right? Then he adds that, on a personal note, he can't wait to get up there and get revenge on the aliens for abducting him all those years ago. And then the two military guys who are asking the questions, look at each other and ROLL THEIR EYES! Hahah. What a loon! Abducted by aliens! Hoho! Who's ever heard of such a thing?! Hahah. 'Cept they're standing there, on the eve of the largest, most massive aerial assault ever coordinated.. AGAINST ALIEN INVADERS! I mean, what the fuck? Doesn't that constitute a little bit of a paradigm shift at that point? Doesn't everyone who's ever mocked those people who claim aliens are out there gotta eat crow now? I dunno.. Is this just me? It'll be a fun game if other people posted plot holes in otherwise good movies (yes, GOOD) in their journals!

Also, I watched Tombstone last night (big night for me!). I dunno how it went down in real life, but at the end of the movie, Wyatt Earp embarks on what amounts to a murderous killing rampage. As, one by one, he kills every cowboy he's able to hunt down. At this point, Earp's a U.S. Marshall, I think. But, he's not out there arresting people. He's just executing them! Is there anyone else in American history who's done something like this and is revered in history books? And you can't include people who've killed a lot of people during a war. Is this different from LAPD calling open season on any crip or blood they stumble upon? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine if cops could just step to some gang members, blow them away, and then become heroes? Fascinating stuff.

Also, I'm not really sick.. But I think I'm gonna use that emoticon from now on.


current mood: sick

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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
10:22 am
10 - 6 last week. Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Tennessee, Jacksonville, New England, Oakland, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, Philadelphia, Seattle, Arizona, Denver, Kansas City, San Diego, Green Bay, and Atlanta. You ever think we'll see anything like what Billy Cole did in The Last Boyscout? I think I can totally see that happening to Jake Plummer or something.

So, another fun trip to Hawaii. I need a vacation. Vaughn and I got back just in time to catch some kinda stomach virus. Vaughn was puking all night friday, and I was making a lot of number 3. The brunt of it took place that night, and by Saturday, Vaughn and I were feeling much better (and I didn't even have a raw asshole! Yay!). Apparently, though, Tam was feeling a little left out, so she starting puking last night, too.

Anyone wanna come over and visit?! :D

Also, I don't wanna alarm anyone.. But Ethan Van Sciver has been named Wizard's Artist of the Year for 2005. Y'know, I heard Mofo spit on him at the SD Con.

Ahaha. What a great emoticon.

current mood: sick

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Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
8:48 pm - Unga.
Can't talk now. In Hawaii. Food good. Atl, Mia, Pit, Dal, Chi, Bal, Jax, Min, Tam, Ind, Ari, StL, Den, NwE, SnD, and Phi. Bunga.

current mood: busy

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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
10:15 am - Why is it called the skin of your teeth?
10 - 6 last week, 94 - 66 for the season. Tam went 12 - 4 and beat me for the second week in a row. Which only proves what I've been trying to tell you guys all along: I'm an idiot. Atlanta, Denver, Cincinnati, Buffalo, Tampa Bay, Minnesota, New England, San Diego, Tennessee, St. Louis, Jacksonville, Oakland, Philadelphia, Seattle, N.Y. Jets, and Pittsburgh. I'm just gonna keep picking against Indy so that when someone finally beats them, I can be like, "Ha!! See?!?! I knew it!" I have an unnatural dislike of Peyton Manning. Someone help me.

That is a sad ending, indeed, Munk. I wonder if it would affect your sister at all if she knew there was a sizable forum of people from across the globe who are rooting for her to just kick that dude in the head.

I have turkey coming out of my ears. Be safe.


current mood: frustrated

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Thursday, November 24th, 2005
2:04 am
Happy Turkey Day and all'a that. I made potato macaroni salad tonight. I feel so domestic.

I read the latest Punisher MAX trade today. It was okay. Nothing big, nothing deep. Seems like Ennis is just kinda coasting. Just good ol' Frank bustin' caps and takin' names. Although he did manage to make the main bad guy do something to Castle that made me kinda go, "Huh. I wonder why no one's ever done that before." B-.

As I mentioned in San Diego, I am fascinated by Munk's sister's (ex-)boyfriend, Joey. He's stupid enough to be hysterical and stupid enough to be dangerous. It's a bizarre combination. Like Munk assumes, I've been refreshing LiveJournal franticly in the hopes there's been a Joey update. Sometimes, I'll read about him and laugh. Then as I sit and contemplate his actions, I become frightened over the prospect of the damage that guy could do to himself and others. It's like watching someone's futile attempt at lighting a bomb yield only burnt fingers because he doesn't know how to use matches. But inevitably, his perseverance toward idiocy detonates the bomb and destroys everything around him. Here's hoping this story ends well. And speaking of stories, Munk, might I suggest collecting all your journal entries about Joey into a little book, and presenting it to your sister for Christmas? I haven't decided if this would piss her off or open her eyes, though. I suppose you would know better than I.

Falcons over Detroit and Denver over Dallas (sorry, Bob). Although, this is probably one of those games that Plummer will do his best Jake the Mistake impression because I've chosen him to win. Hm.. Jake, on the road, against a pretty good defense? Man, that's tough.

Anyways.. Have a good holiday, folks. Be back Saturday.

current mood: thoughtful

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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
12:28 am
After another 9 - 5 week, I'm at a paltry 84 - 60 on the season. I feel terrible. On the plus side, all the byes are done with. On with the football. St. Louis, Chicago, Dallas, Jacksonville, Cleveland, New England, Oakland, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Seattle, San Diego, Cincinnati, Denver, Kansas City, and Green Bay.

I've been trying to learn to color via Photoshop. I'm not very good at it yet, but Mofo's been showing me some pretty cool things. Maybe next week, I'll unveil my first piece.

Hooray for turkeys.


current mood: hungry

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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
1:19 am - Why did the Devil cross the road?
So, I discovered my install of AOL 8.0 the other day. Eat some list quotes from '99, THE SUMMER KEL AND DANA DID IT! (My apologies to those of you who didn't get a quote. Specifically Bob. You said suprisingly very little.. And when you did, it was always so damn serious. However, I did find a mail from DanaSnores as well as a reference to Stella. It just didn't work in this context.)

"I've also decided this weekend that I am definitely never getting married. I don't have the patience to deal with the same person for the rest of my life. I'm too moody. 'God, just shut the hell up. I don't wanna hear your goddamn voice anymore.' I mean geez, when your just hanging out, it isn't necessary to talk the entire time, is it? Maybe I'm just too reserved or something. Or bitchy, one or the other. ;)"
   - Poliz on marriage.

"Y'know what? It should tell ya something when a few cynical bastards like Mo, Kel and I actually give a shit like this. I wouldn't help a granny across the street, but this I care about. I think that in itself speaks of the importance of this process."
   - Dana, riding a mighty tall horse, on voting.

"It's not like we're gonna elect some loose cannon [who's] out to start wars with people. no one's going for world domination here. Sure, there's a lot to gain [as the president], and I'm sure that weighs on the candidates' minds. But, at the same time, no one's pulling the wool over our eyes. 'Once I'm in, I can launch the bomb from here!' We're not avoiding the next Stalin, here."
   - Usagi's views on the presidency.

"What this generation needs is a good war. Every good generation has had one. We get stuck with these little half-assed police actions. There's nothing better to define a generation than going out and imposing your will upon whole country of others."
   - Kel on foreign policy.

"Dunno about you kids, but I got a tiny cock. =( But my balls more than make up for it, so I'm not too sad. I got some huge nuts."
   - Munk on anatomical pride.

"Speak for yourself!!!! I am inn\ocent, andfuck everyone. and fuck lake placisd... I'm looking b ack on this, and thinking... I couldn't respect this in somone,.. but fuck it"
   - Dana, in a late night listmail, clearly not of sound mind.

"Somethin' about that just seems really screwy to me. [It's] like Ice Cube doin' the theme from Jurassic Park or something. Just can't see it."
   - Mofo on LL Cool J doing the theme to Deep Blue Sea.

"Growl at 'em or snap your head forward a couple of inches really quick. They'll leave you alone. That's what I do. Smiling at them is the last thing you want to do. Smiling is a social lubricant. When people see a smile it puts people at ease and makes them feel more comfortable. That's why I hate people who smile all the time. By smiling you're encouraging them to continue to do whatever they're doing. But by frowning or grimacing, it tells them that you're not friendly. Even babies can distinguish facial expressions."
   - Kel volunteering to never baby-sit my kid.

"I'm not sure whether I should be more afraid of Deth now or less."
   - Ken after his first death metal concert.

"But for me and my buddies camping has always been a time of bonding and booze, mebbe bonding via booze, or mebbe we didn't bond we just drank a lot of booze. But at any rate, we take a lot of sauce ... every meal, including breakfast is cooked with beer ... We always take several guns and spend time shootin."
   - Dana on camping responsibly.

"I think Storm Shadow could would have no problem fighting [while drinking] a Mai Tai. Heck, I bet he could even fight with a pansy-ass white wine spritzer in a Dixie cup. If you don't think he could throw down with a Mai Tai, you just haven't read enough Joe comics or been in enough bars."
   - Kel learning Ken a thing or two about alcohol and G.I.Joe.

I gotta figure out a way to make a book out of this stuff.

9 - 5 last week, 75 - 55 on the season. Arizona, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, Buffalo, N.Y. Giants, New England, Chicago, Denver, Carolina, Atlanta, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, and Philadelphia.

Oh, and to answer Aaron's long, lost joke:



current mood: nostalgic

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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
1:06 am - My Ennis Is Touched.
Last week: 8 - 6. Season: 66 - 50. Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Cincinnati, Minnesota, Jacksonville, Oakland, San Diego, Cleveland, Chicago, N.Y. Giants, Arizona, Green Bay, Washington, and New England.

I'd still like to do that post about long, lost relatives and get everyone's opinion on something. But I'm way too tired to do that post justice right now. So instead, today, I read the Fury trade that Ennis did a little while back. I liked it a lot. Then again, I'm a pretty simple guy. Violence, swearing, and nudity all wrapped in a nice little story? Shit, any combination of two of those things is at least a C+ in my book. But, the book did three pretty amazing things for me. 1.) It actually made me give a shit about Nick Fury. 2.) With minimal dialogue (which is a shitty way of putting it, but I'm having a hard time articulating myself right now), it actually made me give a shit about three nobodies I've never seen before and will probably never see again. And 3.) I watched someone die in a new way for the first time in forever. That last one should be worth double. I don't think that guy can do any wrong in my eyes no matter how sick and depraved it is. I mean, never in my life have I had even the slightest interest in Ghost Rider, but somehow, I'm confident Ennis will make it just demented enough to reel me in. Anyone read this thing? I think the first issue or two are out already..

Also, they talked about Voltron on I Love the 80s. Those people don't have the slightest fucking idea what they're talking about. When it comes to Voltron, at least.

That's all.


current mood: touched

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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
1:32 am
Last week: 8 - 6. Season: 58 - 44. Dallas, Detroit, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Jacksonville, Carolina, Oakland, Washington, San Diego, New Orleans, Denver, Tampa Bay, New England, and Pittsburgh.

Anyone see this new Gatorade commercial? It's spectacular. This is like Forrest Gump technology's long, lost brother from the future. They show various famous glimpses of sports history including "The Catch", "The Shot", and some clip of one of the Giambi brothers getting thrown out at home. I realize this was significant for the Yanks to go to the World Series in like.. 2000 or something, but in the grand scheme of things, it was a pretty bland play that had little place in this commercial. I mean, if you want a pivotal baseball play, how about Gibson's homer off Eck in '88? Buckner's boot in '86? Or Pudge Fisk's homer in '75? Anyways, this commercial issues some of the greatest "What If.."s ever when all these plays go awry. Montana's pass sails high and Dwight Clark only gets a couple fingertips on it. MJ pulls up for the jumper over Craig Ehlo but it rattles in the rim and harmlessly falls to the wood. It's actually done really well. It's not just a split second of doctored footage a la Han Solo shooting first. When Clark doesn't come down with The Catch, the Cowboy defender begins to pump his fists in celebration. After Jordan misses The Shot, he puts his hands on his hips and stares off into the lights while Ehlo goes nuts.

Anyways. Best commercial I've seen in a while. I can't wait until this becomes a big trend and we start seeing the Zapruder film where a secret serviceman eats the bullet instead of JFK's head. Or Neil Armstrong's suit malfunctions and he implodes on the moon. This technology rules!

Well, might as well talk about the worst commercial on TV, too. It's for Brinks home security. Let me set it up. A man and his infant son have fallen asleep while watching TV. In the bedroom, the mother is sound asleep. Just then, the smoke alarm goes off! And the mom freaks out and hops outta bed! "Where's the baby?!" She barely finishes the sentence when the phone starts to ring. Okay, before I go on, I just wanna make sure I got this right. An alarm (presumably indicating a fire is about) is sounding in the house and this woman has no idea where her child is. YET, SHE PICKS UP THE GOD DAMN PHONE. "Hello?" What the hell, lady? It was the Brinks guy on the phone to ask what was wrong. But she doesn't know! She just woke up! Meanwhile, their house is on fire and she's chit-chatting with some phone monkey getting paid 6 bucks an hour and she still doesn't know where the rest of her family is! I've only seen it once, so there's a chance I missed something. But, still.. Unbelievable. I'm dumbfounded.

Okay, that's it.


current mood: annoyed

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Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
10:10 pm
12 - 2 last week, 50 - 38 on the season. I deserve a medal for picking a team led by Tommy Maddox. Also, I think the New England receivers had more crucial drops last week than they had in the last four years. Bastards thwarted my perfect week. And who the hell authorized a game last night? You have to believe me when I say I would have picked Kansas City anyways. Kansas City, Cleveland, Green Bay, Indianapolis, New Orleans, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Washington, Seattle, Baltimore, Buffalo, N.Y. Giants, Arizona, and Atlanta on Monday. Two items of note: 1.) This week, my favorite team squares off against the most overrated player of our era and bearer of my most irrational hate, Curtis Martin. Either I will be vindicated or admitted come Tuesday morning. 2.) I don't wish misfortune on too many people, but on Sunday, a Manning goes up against my most hated quarterback not named Manning. If ever there was a game that should end in a 0-0 tie while both QBs end up breaking their legs in freak accidents, this is it. The Snake, indeed.

I wrote out this long (and boring) spiel about how the internet has damaged me, yet it's a fair trade for the fine folks I've met over it. It bordered on preachy, had very few funny parts, and I couldn't remember if I already did this rant while I was drunk in SD. Nonetheless, it was a thank you to you freaks, some of whom I met 10 years ago this week. That's right, on October 26th, I'll be 10 AOyears old. So, happy 10th birthday to some of our friendships. Neat.

After writing that, I put some thought into and came up with this: I've been using the internet since somewhere around 1985. That's crazy. I feel like I should know way more old school shit about phreaking and phraking and shit like that. But all I did was download walkthroughs for Zork, Planetfall, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And read naughty stories.

I watched Land of the Dead today. The kid watched a little and was unfazed by it. That was a little disappointing. I was hoping he'd try to emulate the zombies and start gnawing on my fingers or something. But who am I kidding? He can barely hold his head up. The movie itself was okay. I'm not sure I'm on board with where the movie was leading zombie culture. I guess if I can suspend my disbelief long enough to accept not only the dead rising from their graves, but that they have an insatiable appetite for flesh, I suppose I can accept the fact that some of them still like to pump gas. But it had blood, gore, boobies, and a few jokes, so I'm sold. Plus, it kinda took an idea I had about a zombie movie (which I told Mofo, who then called me an idiot) and made it a thousand times better. Give it a C+.

And Munk (if you're still reading), if I could go out to watch a movie, I'd either check out Doom or Domino.

We'll do the long, lost relative thing next week.


current mood: dorky

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