But maybe this is a good illustration of the poor quality of our parenting. In the midst of our kid not really being able to breathe too well, between the two of us, we managed to call the doctor, pack up the kid, pack up some overnight gear, aaaaaand.. Set the VCR cause we were pretty much gonna miss Heroes at this point. Still! After settling in to our hospital room at about 2am, I was able to drive home, pick up the tape, bring it back, AND WATCH IT! Eat it TiVO! OR DVR OR WHATEVER ALL OF YOU EAT IT! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know about Slingbox. Shut it. Anyways, how does Claire have a secret meeting with the Haitian? Do they just hang out once in a while now? What do they talk about? "Boy, my dad's a real asshole." "Tell me abowt eet." This wasn't adequately explained!
Dana's commentary: "Mebbe you could write up a review [of the episode]. And then chisel it into A STONE TABLET!" Ouch.
So, while we were holed up, we decided we'd catch up on some movies. I had a gift certificate to Best Buy, so I went wild and got the following movies: Cars, Saw III, The Descent, Mean Girls, Invincible, and the animated Iron Man movie. Tam also wanted to watch Employee of the Month, but knew I wouldn't go for paying for a movie like that. (Don't get me wrong, I like Dane Cook even though the rest of the world seems to have turned on him. But you pretty much know what you're getting with a movie like that and it doesn't include a solid second viewing. Furthermore, I generally don't purchase many comedies. With few exceptions, they don't just don't age well and aren't really worth having around.) Fortunately, Tam happens to know someone who buys terrible movies that keep people like Hilary Duff and Nick Cannon employed. (I realize I wrote these last few lines after admitting that I now own a copy of Mean Girls. Four points to consider: 1.)The movie's actually pretty decent. It's not Galaxy Quest or anything, but it'll get you a few chuckles. 2.) The movie was written by Tina Fey who is not only funny, but she's hot, too. 3.) It stars several SNL alum from the last golden age including Tim Meadows, who is particularly good. 4.) It was my compromise for getting Saw III and The Descent.) Anyways, what follows is a real conversation I overheard between the wife aaand.. oh, let's call her.. Nisterinlaw.
Tam: "Do you have Employee of the Month?"
Nisterinlaw (incredulously): "Psh. No, I don't have crappy movies!"
Tam: "Uh.. Do you have She's the Man?"
So, because I can't bring myself to finish the last 10% of this little project I'm working on, I give you six mini-reviews in a segment I like to call: Things I Watched Because I'm a Bad Father.
Cars: I immediately wrote this movie off when I read that Larry the Cable Guy was in it. But a commercial for something Cars related came on TV one day and my kid was instantly mesmerized. So, we got the movie, and of course, he didn't watch more than two minutes of it. The movie itself seemed very predictable. More so than any other Pixar movie, I think. It's been a pretty long time since I've seen A Bug's Life or Toy Story 2, but I'm gonna go ahead and call this one the worst of the bunch. But that's kinda like saying Miss October was the ugliest playmate last year. B.
The Descent: I actually haven't even opened this movie, but my mom brought it with her on one of her visits. If you saw The Cave, this was pretty much a better version of that movie with hot chicks instead of Cole Hauser and Morris Chestnut. And for what it's worth, I probably liked the original ending better than the American ending. B-.
Invincible: Like The Descent was to The Cave, this movie is a better version of Rudy. Except it's a much, much, much, much better version. The lead is humble and reserved. And he doesn't have an unnatural and unhealthy obsession with Notre Dame football. And he doesn't cry as much. And you don't turn on him in the middle of the movie and start openly rooting for bad things to happen to him because he's so god damn annoying. Also, there's a scene where Marky Mark is looking at himself in the mirror. And as you're looking at him, rocking his little 70s hair and his 70s gear, you start to feel like you've been here and you know what's gonna happen. But then he doesn't whip out his monstrous cock. And I gotta tell you, it's a little disappointing. A-.
The Invincible Iron Man: Okay, here's my problem with Iron Man and specifically The Mandarin, not just in the movie but just in the general lore of the characters. At its core, Iron Man is a story about man and technology. Sure, you got the shit with his alcoholism and the frailty of human flaws even when protected by a great, big suit of armor, blah, blah, blah. But in the end, it's about a dude who invents cool shit to beat on other people with. And then they shit all over it with some Chinese prophecies and strange mysticism. I mean, what? Sure, most of Iron Man's technology is way out there and totally unbelievable, but you can kinda take that leap when you're watching a movie or reading a comic about a dude who invented a suit of armor. But then he fights a big Chinese dragon. What? The first Ultimate Avengers was pretty good (if you pretend you never read the Ultimates before), but it's been a pretty steady decline since then. C-.
Employee of the Month: Pretty much what you'd expect. There are a couple of funny parts, a lot of dumb stuff. Sure, some of the dumb stuff was intentionally dumb, but the movie took itself a little too seriously sometimes. Which is kinda weird when you think about how absurd other parts of the movie are. Why do they try to throw a moral into movies like this? I don’t even mind the love interest so much. Just make it a dumb, fun movie and go with it. No one has to become a better person because of it! But Andy Dick was pretty funny. C-.
Snakes on a Plane: Okay, so the plot of the movie starts out in Hawaii. Somewhere along the way, a flight leaves from Hawaii to Los Angeles. Since I read somewhere that there are snakes on this plane, I immediately call shenannigans. There are no snakes in Hawaii. None. Every once in a while, some crazy ass Brown Tree Snake (I may be getting this name mixed up with the Bark Tree Spider) makes its way to the islands via some boat from Guam. All the news circuits go crazy and start talking about the impending death of Hawaii's eco-system. You know how in movies you have some plague crisis or invasion or something that spreads throughout the movie? And they show some graphic of the continent or globe being assimilated by whatever.. "This is what will happen in one hour. This is one day. This is one week." And in the graphic for the week, all is lost. It's EXACTLY like that. But in the movie, they actually adequately explained the origins for the snakes, so that shut me up for a bit. The effects in this movie were laughable, but in a weird way, it sort of added to what it is. As if they were like.. "Look, this is a crappy movie.. Let's really go for it." Plus, there was nudity. Always raises the ground floor to at least a D-. Sooo, let's go with D.
I'm still not prepared to discuss Peyton Manning in the Superbowl. Hats off to him and all, but.. Eh.. It's no good. I just can't. Not yet. I feel like Maverick after Goose died.