Okay, first, my masseuse is semi-hot. Being the responsible and woman-fearing man that I am, I quickly ask if it would be okay if my wife came along. They were hesitant to allow Vaughn in the back in case he started crying. I guess that would ruin the mood for everyone. Tam opted to just leave with the kid and come back when I'm done. I'm immediately terrified. They herd me into a dark little closet lit only by a candle and the soothing sounds of classical music. When I get to the room, it's apparent that there's no room for a third person. The only place for a visitor would have been the little lounge area right outside the room. And that room actually connects to every other room, so I could see their point with a crying baby.
So, the woman asks me to undress to my level of comfort and to get under the blankets on the table. Little did she know, I was already there. She warns me that leaving my underwear on would impede her ability to work on my glutes. And since I can read between the lines, I know that she wants to molest my lucious ass. As the discussion goes on, I start getting the impression that her "level of comfort" for me starts at my skivs and ends with my nekkidness. I probably sounded like the biggest asshole ever, but I go, "Is it okay if I leave my shorts on?" And she laughed! Not like "BWAHAHA!", but still! I'm absolutely not in my element here. I haven't been able to remove even my shirt with any kinda confidence for a solid 60 lbs now. Compounded with the fact that she's sorta hot, has threatened to touch my ass, and basically laughed in my face, I'm ready to introduce my butthole to some coal and make some diamonds. Good thing I'm about to get a massage (which we agreed would only include my upper body). The rest of the conversation included such tidbits as, "It'll hurt so good," and, "I won't hurt you unless you want me to." What the fuck kinda place is this?! I'm positive now that for an extra $50, I could get a handjob or something. The whole thing felt like a botched date with a slutty girl in college who's obligated to show you a good time. "Look, since you bought dinner, I'll give you a blowjob. But you're not touching my tits. And don't ever call me again." So, anyways, after the awkward (yet polite) exchange had ended, she left and I made myself comfortable (as could be) on the little massage table thing.
Time stood still in this room. I have no idea exactly how long it was, but the first five or ten minutes were good. It was just kind of a light massage to get a feel for my back, I guess. And despite the fact that we agreed that only an upper body massage would be in my future, she makes frequent trips to my ass. But I ain't complaining cause it feels pretty good. After a little bit, though, she just starts laying into me. BUT! It still wasn't bad. There were parts that hurt, but for the most part, dare I say, it hurt so good. Eventually, she found what she described as problem areas and just kinda stuck to those places. Then I think she got a call from her boyfriend saying he was leaving her for her best friend. I can see her feet through my little face-hole bracing against the point on the wall where it meets the floor. And she's killing me. Various portions of her elbows, arms, and knuckles begin just digging into what feels a LOT like bone. And I just sucked it up and took it in the hopes that the pain would only last for another couple of seconds. But then she'd move to a spot that hurt even more just to fuck with me. I'm being a little verbose and I think the message may be getting lost in my mess of words. IT FUCKING HURTS. But then it abruptly stops. And she walks down near my feet. I can't see what's happening, but it sounds like she's, I dunno, adjusting the table or something. I can kinda hear it creaking under pressure and moving around a little.
Then something weird happened.
She begins to apply a lot of pressure to my ass. And that might actually sound worse than what really happened. But as you can imagine, my mind is everywhere at this point. If she tore off my shorts, yanked on my scrotum and bit it, I wouldn't have been taken off-guard at all. Then it got weirder. I feel her hands start to massage my back. While the pressure is still on my ass! I quickly conclude that she has two enormous penises with each resting on a cheek. My assrape is inevitable. Then the pieces kinda started to fall into place. This woman had fucking CLIMBED ON TOP OF ME! She's on me! Those are her knees digging into my ass! I asked Tam to call her masseuse friend in Hawaii to ask if this was acceptable conduct. This, surprisingly, was not uncomfortable physically, though. It felt good. In fact, it's kinda hot! I half-expected her to straddle me next and just start beating away at my back. But she just calmly dismounted and asked me to flip over.
"Uh. What?" "Lay on your back now." "Uh.. Are you.. Ah.. Is it.. Um.. Okay." Why? What are you gonna do to me, you crazy bitch?! This can't be good. And it wasn't. An immediate problem presented themselves as soon as she went back to work. Her ample boobs were just.. right there in my face. Not like, way over there where I could kinda see 'em. They were RIGHT THERE. It was like this one time this girl I know bleached my hair. But that's a different post. And for some reason she's all gentle now and just kinda runs her hands over me. Now I'm just praying - PRAYING - that I don't get an erection. So I close my eyes and pretend that her boobs aren't an inch and a half from my face while she's gently caressing my body. And I'm extra happy that I kept my shorts on. Heh. Fortunately for me, I don't get off on pain. And she ended any chance of embarrassment with her next move. With one foot braced against the wall again, she begins to drive her forearm into where my pecs would be if I had any. And my mouth went, "..." and my head went "YYEEEEEEEEEAARGHHHH!!!" It hurts. And she won't stop. She casually goes, "Wow, this is really bad," as I'm certain tears were welling up in my eyes. The next time she opened her mouth, I was sure that a maniacal cackling would escape. When she stopped, I almost got up and hugged her for it. Then she did the other side. I didn't think there was a chance on Earth that this was gonna end without me punching her in the head. You've heard of blinding pain, right? Well this was blinding and deafening. I closed my eyes and quietly apologized to no one in particular for every shitty thing I've ever done in my life. It was very Zen. Then it was over. There was a 20% chance that I died right there on the table. Alas, she had mercifully stopped. She said something to me, but I couldn't hear a thing as the pain was still subsiding. So, I asked her to repeat it.
"Time's up! Take your time to get dressed, and I'll see you out front."
Arr. Those be my 14 favorite words. As bad as I made it sound, I'd probably go back. In the end, my back feels pretty good (minus the feeling of having a bruise over my entire upper body.) And truth be told, it wasn't even the weirdest / most uncomfortable massage I've ever had. That honor goes to an old roommate of mine. We had just come back from playing basketball (which I hadn't done for a solid couple of years) and I was in considerable pain. This was before Tam and I were dating, so she offered to massage my back in an attempt to get in my pants. After a few minutes, my roommate tells Tam to get outta the way because she wasn't doing it right. He proceeds to viciously massage my back for a few seconds, which admittedly felt pretty good. Then, he grabs a handful of ass in each hand and just starts going to town. "HEY! What the..?! No..! Oh.. Oh, yeah. Right there." Never in my life have I gone from being so horrified in one second and whisked away to blissville the next. I know what you're thinking, but FUCK YOU! It was awesome. Say what you want, but it felt great and I'm not ashamed. I'd kill each and every one of you to recapture that feeling. Siiigh.
Anyways.. Happy Father's Day. Be well.